He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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