If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
