I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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