We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Randomize
