I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
In other news, I just burned my penis
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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