So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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