I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Walk of Shame today included voting.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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