I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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