SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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