yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
