I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
