I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
