i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
