Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
