Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
