Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Randomize
