my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
