Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
