just come out here and I will go home with you...
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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