He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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