I can't watch pbs sober anymore
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Drake has all the answers
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
