So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
