Don't make out with my wife yet
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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