i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
