But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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