I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Randomize
