Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
