Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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