woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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