theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
