my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
