her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
