what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Every concussion has its silver lining
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
