That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
