Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Houston, we have a blender
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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