Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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