She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
