So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
