I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
