I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
