you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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