I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Randomize
