new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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