i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
