I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
