There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
