It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
