I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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