and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
