I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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